Relationships are not always going to be fun and happy. Arguments happen, and sometimes they happen a lot. However, there is a difference between a productive argument and an unproductive one. Both you and your partner are different people, and therefore will have disagreements. So instead of letting these disagreements become unproductive arguments, turn them into a calm conversation. If you are having trouble, we are here to help you out! Here are ways to have a productive, calm conversation with your partner.
Both partners should commit to having a productive conversation
Have a discussion with your partner about what your vision is for better communication, and ask for their input and commitment. It is okay to disagree, but having both of you understand each other's point of view is equally important. It takes two people for this to work, so make sure both of you want to have calmer conversations.
Do not correct your partner
It's fine to disagree with your partner. However, it isn't okay to tell your partner what they should think or believe. If the argument is strictly based in opinion, then your partner has every right to their beliefs on the matter. A great way to keep a conversation calm is to respect your partner's opinion.
Have set times to talk it out
Having set times to talk about important problems in the relationship is a great way for you to prepare and remember to stay calm. Having a prepared argument also allows for a more informed conversation with responses that don't necessarily need to be thought of on the spot, which can lead to frustration. Having these types of discussions will lead to a better and more fulfilling relationship.
Let the other person start the convo
According to Psychology Today, women start 80% of the tough, emotional conversations. A good way to have equal footing when having these tough discussions is to switch off and let the other person start the conversation. This way you can have all areas of problems out in the open and can figure out a solution together rather than one person talking the whole time.
Have an escape plan
If things get heated, make sure that there is a pre-agreed cue that gives you both the opportunity to cool off. Letting yourselves calm down will help you regroup, organize your thoughts, and continue having the productive conversation.
Patience is key
You should allow your partner to organize their thoughts to fully understand what they are feeling. Your partner may go through many thoughts at once, leaving you with a muddled idea of what they are truly trying to say. If your partner has difficulty putting thoughts into words, then you will want to give them the time to present their argument carefully.
Present questions
Don't just write off your partner if you are not in agreement on a topic. Ask them questions to better understand where they are coming from. By asking questions and getting truthful answers, you get a window into the way your partner perceives life. If it is concluded you both have completely different perceptions, then it might be time to make some hard decisions.
Don't be aggressive
Using a calm tone is important as it starts off the conversation at a relaxed point. If you start off aggressive, then the discussion will quickly turn into an argument when your partner becomes defensive. Condescending language can also cause your partner to go into attack mode, or just shut down. A good way to avoid this aggressiveness is to use non-violent words and focus on yourself instead of blaming your partner. Use phrases like, "I feel bad when...," instead of, "You are the reason..."
Don't be defensive
Don't lash out if you are the one being criticized. If you find yourself becoming defensive, take the time to recollect and start that part of the conversation over. As long as the criticism is constructive, there is no reason to lash out at your partner. Recollect yourself and respond rationally. Not only will it make the conversation go smoothly, it will also create a path to an amiable conclusion.
Show appreciation for your partner
Having the ability to disagree but still appreciate one another is the key to success. If your conversation ends, make sure that both of you are leaving it without feeling resentment. Doing this shows that you truly care for one another.
Prepare to repair
Sometimes, none of the above tactics will work during a conversation. But that doesn't mean it's the end of your relationship. Use 'repair behaviors' to mend the situation. According to John Gottman, a repair behavior could be an apology, a smile, or simply a goofy expression. It isn't the perfect solution, but it will help you reach a point where you don't feel as bad about the fight you just had.