Fighting with a loved one is inevitable. No one is so perfectly matched that they never disagree. And if you don't argue, one partner is hiding their true feelings. These conflicts can range in size, from important matters (like what religion to raise your child) to inconsequential topics (like what to eat for dinner), but the conflict itself does not hint at a storm on the horizon.
"The mere fact that you fight with your partner isn't a sign there is real trouble in your relationship. In fact, when handled properly, fighting can improve your relationship," says Professor Gwendolyn Seidman of Albright College.
How you deal with a conflict can lead to growth in a relationship, but it can also stunt future development. If you constructively handle the situation, you will solve the problem without escalating it. You will also gain a more pronounced understanding of your partner. If you mishandle it, however, you may generate resentment that will fester until it cannot be contained. Arrive at a solution that satisfies both of you - to some extent.
Nickola Overall and James McNulty, who researched the effects of different types of communication on intimate relationships, concluded that the sincerity and weight placed on the argument should correlate to how serious the topic is. The psychology professors affirm, "When problems are serious, direct opposition matches the need for improvement and the benefits of motivating change may outweigh any costs. When problems are minor, however, direct opposition is likely to be perceived as unnecessarily harsh and leave partners feeling derogated and less motivated to be responsive."
Try these tips for successful resolution:
Stay calm and be direct
Cut to the chase. Don't delay the conversation with unnecessary topics to avoid saying what's really on your mind. You'll make it more difficult and unpleasant by building tension and anxiety. Say it directly with a calm, level voice. If your partner perceives a condescending tone, it implies hostility and puts them on the defensive. Address the issue head on without evading the heart of the problem. Expressing anger will only muddle your behavior and allow the other person to misread your intentions.
Do not place blame
If you openly assault your partner's character, it will damage your connection and shift the direction of the argument. Once the other person becomes defensive, you shut down all lines of communication. Professor Seidman suggests using "I feel" statements instead of accusations of supposed character flaws. For example:
GOOD: "I feel upset that you think I'm flirting. I consider that a normal, innocent interaction between friends."
BAD: "You're so paranoid! We're not flirting. We're just friends."
Also try to abstain from generalizations. Instead of saying they "always" or "never" do something, point out a specific example of behavior that bothered you. Then, prompt a discussion on how you would have liked them to act in that situation, or they'll be listing counterexamples to justify themselves. For example:
GOOD: "Remember last week when you were talking to your friend Jane, and you touched her on the arm? I understand that's how you usually interact, but I would prefer if you refrained from physical contact with the opposite sex. It makes me jealous, because I interpret that as flirting."
BAD: "You always clutch women's hands when you're talking to them. Why do you have to flirt with everyone all the time? You never take my feelings into account!"
Pick your battles
I'm sure you've heard this advice before. Instead of fighting about everything that bothers you, you must learn to first accept that you cannot always get your way. Keep in mind that compromise is a quintessential part of any successful relationship. When you bring up a potential problem, stay on track. Don't bring up other complaints unrelated to the current argument, or your partner will disengage. The term "kitchen sinking," coined by Doctor John Gottman, refers to a habit of overwhelming your adversary with past grievances to beat them into submission. In our minds, the force of combined criticism forces our partners to concede to our moral superiority. In actuality, "kitchen sinking" does not work and exacerbates the conflict.
Pay attention
Arguments are not one-sided affairs. It's important to listen to the other side without butting in or speaking over them. Neither partner should interrupt the other; allow the other to fully express their thoughts. It's frustrating and counterproductive to ignore each other's point of view, because you'll end up talking in circles. You should follow the same technique used in work mediation and employ active listening. After your partner finishes speaking, paraphrase what they said to prevent misunderstandings and show that you are indeed hearing what they say. Active listening means providing the speaker with your undivided attention and not mentally preparing a rebuttal. This stops you from answering off the cuff and saying something you'll regret later.
Stay positive
Dodge the negativity. Doctor Gottman's research also shows that the worst emotion to display in conflict is contempt for your partner. Contemptuous remarks include mocking your partner, name-calling, and sarcasm. You can unintentionally demonstrate your bitterness on a physical level with an eye roll, a sneer, or a huff. These disrespectful behaviors signify revulsion and will extract a heated return from your partner rather than a dignified response. Neither person should fight fire with fire or answer bad conduct with more bad conduct. React with humor and encouragement to neutralize negativity.
It's okay to take a time out if you need one. Table the discussion for a later time when emotions aren't so raw. Even a short break where you leave the room can do wonders for calming a hot temper. Skillfully maneuvering a conflict will make or break your relationship, so put in the effort. Don't run on auto-pilot… Stay connected; stay committed; stay open.