So you've started dating someone new, and things are going great, but you've noticed a shift in the interactions. This is an indication that you may be entering a new stage in your relationship. According to the work of Harville Hendrix, there are three stages of a romantic relationship: Romantic Love, Power Struggle, and Conscious Love. Hendrix explores each of these stages in his book, Getting The Love You Want. Let's break down the stages and pinpoint where you stand in your current relationship journey.
Stage I: Romantic Love.
The first stage is often the most magical stage. The Romantic Love phase is where everything feels perfect, and dopamine levels in the brain are reaching an all-time high. You and your partner feel that you are invincible, and this love will, without a doubt, last forever. Behavior in this stage often looks like countless hours spent together. When you're apart, you can't stop thinking about that person. Your mate feels like a drug you're addicted to and you can't wait until your next fix. The chemicals in your brain have you in such a euphoric state that you feel complete, energized and that nothing could ever go wrong. Even when you see a few red flags, the infatuation in your heart forces you to look past them.
This neurochemical release in the brain is what helps you to feel in love. When we move into stage two, we understand whether you're actually in love or not.
Stage II: The Power Struggle.
Now you've committed to your partner. However, something else is happening. You're starting to notice the thrill is gone. Your mate suddenly isn't as magical to you anymore. It's not because your partner has changed in any way, it's because the brain chemicals mentioned earlier have started to diminish. Stage II is the rude awakening stage where you realize the honeymoon phase is over. Some of the quirky things your partner does that you once loved are now annoying and obnoxious. You both feel you've failed the relationship because the euphoric love is no longer there.
The Power Struggle component of this stage is evident in your communication with one another. You both start to exhibit defensive mechanisms, the arguing and bickering increases. During these conflicts, the focus is often on who can get a win or be right, rather than progressing the relationship. You both start to zero in on protecting your pride, and you feel anxious and disappointed. You feel like you were fooled into this relationship and lost the person you fell in love with.
This is where most couples end up going their separate ways. However, the Power Struggle stage has the most opportunity for growth and development for both individuals, as well as for the relationship. This consistent conflict arising from the relationship seldomly has anything to do with your mate. The conflict can be a source for highlighting the areas of growth in your life. Your mate may be triggering unaddressed issues stemming from damage done in your childhood.
Couples committed to embracing the growing pains of Stage II are the ones who sustain the longstanding relationships and enter Stage III.
Stage III: Conscious Love.
If you and your partner recognized the growth pathways of Stage II and committed yourselves to individual transformation and development, you are all set to enter the next stage. The Conscious Love stage makes the ugly Power Struggle phase worth it. Here is where you experience deep feelings of love, passion, appreciation, and acceptance of your partner. You love your spouse, flaws and all. The feelings happening in this stage are similar to Stage I, however they are not influenced by neurochemicals. These are genuine feelings that align you for lifelong commitment.
The Conscious Love stage is a reward for both persons in the relationship willing to put in the work to realize your full potential as a couple. So many people walk away from the relationship in Phase II, assuming that because the perfect love didn't last because the person wasn't "the one." However, the next person you date, you'll experience the same pattern again. True happiness will come to pass when both parties in the relationship work past the rough patches.
What stage are you in?